Staying stopped
The progression from drinking daily to drinking never was slow. At first, I'd reign it in to prove I wasn't that bad. Challenge myself with “dry time” and reward myself by going right back to the level of drinking that made me nervous in the first place.
Then I got really nervous and started making serious efforts to stop drinking. I'd make it to a week or two and then cave. These failed attempts made the idea of sobriety feel hopeless and unattainable.
This article by Jolene Park explains the gray area drinking spectrum and how “You can stop drinking and you have stopped drinking for periods of time—even weeks or months—but it’s hard to stay stopped.”
What you want, imperfection + the keystone
What you want
You can't stay stopped without deciding that you want to stay stopped. This doesn't mean you're excited about quitting drinking or have no fear about being alcohol-free. It just means you can drum up a vision of a future that doesn't include hangovers, booze blues, and anxiety about your drinking. A vision of a peaceful life.
If you want that, the rest can be figured out.
Imperfection
When I finally joined a sobriety support community I was so excited to get the “sobriety instructions.” I'd follow them PERFECTLY and start my glorious new AF life.
Not so much. I still didn't want to quit drinking and I was pissed at all the people that were “getting it.” I quit the group and kept drinking and it was another year until I tried again.
From the place of hindsight, I'll say this: Accept that things won't go perfectly and make a plan for what to do when they don't. Trust the process. Keep what you want at the top of your mind and BELIEVE it's possible (because it is).
The keystone
The keystone of staying stopped, in my opinion, is acceptance. Letting go. Surrender. Uncle. Whatever you want to call it.
You can build a foundation of education, community, spirituality, movement, time, etc., but to keep that foundation in place you need a keystone.
I spent YEARS building an archway of podcasts, quit-lit, online challenges, confidential conversations, and a deep desire to figure out sobriety. It all came together in one moment when I whispered “uncle” as I stood in front of the fridge on a Friday night in July and poured my last glass of sauvignon blanc.
Tears fall as I type this because the moment was so powerful I can still feel it. I knew I was done and I felt terror and hope as I dropped in that final keystone.
Staying stopped isn't easy. Obviously. We'd all just stop if it was.
It's the hard-fought culmination of deciding what you want, going after it imperfectly, and, at the moment you least expect it, whispering uncle.
