Other people’s opinions
You know the old saying about opinions, right? If you don't, google it. A new saying I heard is “They're like Mariah Carey songs - no one wants to hear them.”
The thing is, when I decided to quit drinking I did want to hear them. I had this bizarre need to know what other people thought of my decision and I entertained their opinions.
You care and it's FINE, baby steps + the next level
You care and it's FINE
We're wired to care what other people think. Back when the paleo-people were hunting and gathering it was important to be in a pack, a community. Being alone meant starving to death or being eaten by whatever animals ate you back then. Other people's positive opinions and acceptance meant survival.
It makes sense that we care what other people think and it's FINE (to an extent). As long as it doesn't stop you from being yourself and doing what you really want.
Baby steps
When I first quit drinking I told NO ONE. There were a couple of reasons for this:
What if I failed?
What would people think of me?
How did I go from being terrified of what people thought to sharing my sobriety all over the interwebs you ask? BABY STEPS.
I told my husband.
I joined an online chat-only community and used a fake name.
I joined a different online community where I used my real name, showed my face, and shared my feelings.
I started telling family and friends (selectively).
Then came the most ridiculously over-the-top way of outing myself: National TV.
Let me back up a little.
During my first year of sobriety, I volunteered at a local addiction recovery center in Bridgeport, CT. The volunteer hours I accrued there gave me a scholarship to their Recovery Coach Academy. So, at about 1 year sober, I became a designated Recovery Coach.
A few months later I took Jolene Park's NOURISH Method coach training. Jolene is known for her work in identifying and coaching Gray Area Drinkers.
Stay with me now…
CBS News decided to do a story on Gray Area Drinking a little over a year ago. Of course, a Google search led them right to Jolene. She would be the expert in the interview. Being in Colorado, her part of the interview would be on Zoom. CBS wanted to interview someone IRL near NYC and Jolene gave them my name.
Agreeing to do this interview was a well-thought-out choice that took days to make. Every cell in my body screamed “NO WAY” but I knew if I did the interview maybe someone who needed to see it would see it and, just as importantly, I would face my fear of other people's opinions.
The interview aired last December on CBS Morning News while I was on a ski trip with my family. My phone blew up while I was on a lift with my kids. I heard from most people I knew and some people I forgot existed. Everyone who reached out had positive things to say. Others, on social media, had pretty terrible things to say.
And that was it. It was “out there” for everyone to form their opinions of me. I wanted to crawl into a hole but I rebounded surprisingly quickly. I survived putting the thing I used to be afraid to tell ANYONE about on national TV. Making the hard choice to do the interview had the result I desired. I was free.
The next level
If “other people's opinions” are a thing for you like they were for me, that's ok. As I wrote last week “Stand in the place where you are.” But don't stand there forever. Push yourself to the next place when you're ready.
I went from complete isolation to telling one person, to a chat room with a fake name, to an online community, to opening up to friends and family, to the internet and national news - over a period of YEARS.
Every push to the next level was uncomfortable AND bought me a little more freedom to be myself.
Someone once told me to cut a piece of paper into a 1-inch square and write the names of all the people whose opinions mattered to me on it.
Some people's opinions still matter to me. The people who know, love, and root for me have opinions I'll entertain. Everyone else can be like a Mariah Carey song and scram.
