Choosing yourself

As a woman and a mother, it feels gross to admit that I put my own needs at the forefront of my day. But the fact is, I spent many years putting others' needs before mine and that led me to think self-care was hiding from my family with a magnum of Marc West in the evenings. 

The paradox, the questions + the practice

• The paradox

The idea that I can put myself first AND be a good mother, wife, friend, etc. is a paradox that's hard to untangle. Being called a “selfless” mother was the ultimate compliment and yet an empty tank at the end of each day got me into trouble. 

If I don't take care of myself the result is a tired, unhealthy, resentful, angry woman. And that's what I was becoming. And that was no way to live. And that prompted the beginning of my sobriety and the work it takes to maintain it.

• The questions

Early on, in a sobriety support meeting, someone said she asked herself these two questions regularly: How do you feel? + What do you need?

These were questions I asked my kids all day long but had never thought to ask myself. Now (especially when I start to feel angry or resentful) I ask myself these questions often. 

Like right now…How do I feel? My shoulder hurts so badly I can barely sleep. What do I need? To make an appointment with the physical therapist. It's as simple as that.  Later I might ask and feel hungry, tired, inspired, or playful. 

Choosing yourself means figuring out what you need and making it happen.

• The practice

If you're not used to putting yourself first it can feel uncomfortable. It'll take conscious effort and practice to change that.

Along with asking yourself how you feel and what you need, ask the people in your life for what you need.

I used to expect my husband to read my mind and then be disappointed or angry when he couldn't. This sounds simple and maybe you already do this but it's important to ask the people you live with and spend time with to give you what you need.

Maybe you need a hug. Or some time alone. Or connection. No one knows what you need unless you tell them and maybe that feels selfish but it's the kind thing to do.

As Anne Lamott said, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Choose yourself and you're choosing to take responsibility for your own well-being. When you do this you set the stage for better interactions and relationships with the people around you.

And if you're a parent, you're modeling a behavior that'll teach your child to choose themselves and discover and manage their own needs. And that, my friends, is what I want for my children 1000 times more than being “selfless”.